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 I Guess I Still Cared
Kim Cheonsa
 Posted: Jun 23 2018, 08:38 PM
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27 years old
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ID: cheonsa // angels
hopping from one bed to another
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I guess I still cared,
but I couldn't anymore, and I shouldn't have.

---------*



A big cardboard box was filled easily. Fast and easy, even though she tried to organize them in a certain order that they wouldn't be broken. The whole ritual took such a short time that she realized she'd kept everything that related to their relationship, too many of an everything.

A bottle full of colourful paper stars, a masquerade mask and animal ears from a Hallowe'en so many years ago, bracelets and rings and earrings, books that had been lent for too long she'd forgotten she borrowed them, his favorite mug whenever he came over, train tickets and movie passes, sweater, scarves, shirt, skirts, tubes of lipstick that was used only when she went with him so he'd knew she actually loved them, an incredibly expensive perfume he had to work part time and a dried rose for her coming of age, a couple of phone cases, and a thick album of photographs.

To think that she had them for all these years just made her feel stupid.

She took a little too long time not to re-organize everything and take whatever she thought she'd still use. She took a little too long because she didn't know that she felt too empty after emptying her belongings that actually matterred to her. She tried to breathe a little when she knew that by doing this, she'd close every reason to continue. She sighed too deep because she understood that after this, she couldn't go back.

For a moment, she let darkness clouded her gaze. For some minutes, she let pieces of scenes replayed inside her head. Not everything about him was constant sadness. More often, she heard laughs that would make her stomach tickled. She smiled too wide her cheeks would hurt. They were happy together, even though he'd given something that wasn't what she wanted, as friends. He was never more than a friend. They were better off as friend back then, when they were young.

Now, they were better off as strangers.

All of her feelings were better kept inside the big cardboard box, without any chance to be re-opened. He was enough and she couldn't have him anymore, no matter how hard she wanted and prayed for him to be next to her every morning. However, no matter how hard she tried to burn them, throw them away, left them to rot - she couldn't do it. Everything about him was too valuable, too precious for her worthless self that she couldn't even scratch it just for her own amusement.

Even the polaroid photograph taken on a clear blue sky of February weather, with him smiling holding the camera and she behind him laughing, the beach was warm behind them, the newest piece of her belonging, felt like a pierce in her heart because she loved them too much.

She couldn't afford to re-remember everything about him because he had been everything for her and she couldn't do that anymore. She taped the cardboard box close, sending them her last goodbye as she wrote the only address beside her own that she remembered too well. She didn't have enough strength to burn them to ashes and blow them away, but she had enough just to send them back to their rightful owner.

Did she break down and cry when she finally shipped the box away? Yes she did.

Did she feel empty? Yes, indeed she did.



Did she feel relieved?



Yes.



For a little while, she did feel relieved that she was at least, able to relinquish all the feelings from her heart.




***




--Sorry, but I can't keep it anymore.
For me, it's not a sweet memory. It's something that I should've let go long time ago.
Thank you for the teenage years.

///1004.


This post has been edited by Kim Cheonsa: Jun 23 2018, 08:52 PM

--------------------
i paint my nails black---
I dye my hair a darker shade of brown
‘Cause you like your women Spanish, dark, strong and proud. I paint the sky black, you said if you could have your way. You’d make it nighttime all today, so it'd suit the mood with your soul. Oh, what can I do? Nothing, my sparrow blue {Lana Del Rey}//credits
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Park Sunggeon
 Posted: Jun 23 2018, 08:40 PM
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133 posts
26 years old
Guru BK Gaul SMA Guro
ID: sunggeonpark
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user posted image
Let this be our lesson in love
Let this be the way we remember us


This post has been edited by Park Sunggeon: Jun 23 2018, 09:23 PM

--------------------
beautiful, All the things you gave to stay with me
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